WHAT IS MUSH

Today is one of those days.
I'm nervous
My stomach is on fire
Nothing I do is making me feel better
.....

But I'm not sick, so I should be happy.
I should be, but I'm still terrified.

What is my biggest fear today?
What if they find something during surgery.

What if it has spread since my last scan?
What happens if I made the wrong choice?

What am I not fearful of today?

I have done all the research I can bare to do.
I have looked up all possible scenarios.
I have the best support group you could physically have.

So why am I fearful?

My body is changed forever.
My life has changed forever.

And it's all because of one little gene.

Did you know that one little gene can mean that cancer is more likely than not?
Did you know that that little gene makes it impossible to fight cancer if it happens?
That little gene changed my life.

Three Months ago my scariest thought was not hitting a deadline.
Now I'm constantly worried that my body is failing to beat cancer.

So I went in and saw what felt like 25 doctors.
I got way too much info
85% chance of breast cancer
45% ovarian cancer
1000 other cancers are possible
3000 options to choose from.
Scans, Biopsy, Surgery, Watching?
I'm 27, isn't this what old people get?

There's no way my tests are right.
More research, more doctors. More tests.
I am so scared.
What do i do?

Stress levels are climbing.
I can't talk about it with out crying.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
It comes up in every conversation with people that know.
I hate that.
I don't want them swimming in this with me.
I try to stop talking about it.
That doesn't work

It's taking a toll on everything I'm doing- but it's all I can do to not just break down.
Sleep is a luxury when it's not filled with dreams of crazy boobs and talking cancer cells.

Finally found doctors that I love. I can ask my dozens of questions.
Told my boss at work.
Cried like a baby.
I hate crying.
It makes me feel like I'm telling people I can't handle this.
He makes me so comfortable.
Tells me anything I need, He's here for me.

My work..
These people are  beyond amazing.
They help me with everything.
So much support.
Time off when I need.
Flexible with everything.
Work is what is holding me together.
They Prayed for me.
I cry at my desk,
so grateful that I'm here.

I'm so scared.
But I'm not sick.
I hate that I can't get a grip.

Nick holds me when I cry.
He doesn't have to ask me why I'm crying.
He knows I just need someone
Someone to let me fall apart

I try to tell him i'm ok.
He knows I'm not.
We go for drives cause he knows I need the fresh air.
This is strangling the life out of me.

But why am I scared?
I'm not sick.

The what ifs are scaring me.
What if I don't catch it in time.
What if it shows up somewhere else.
What if my family has it?
What if my vanity takes over and I hate the after results?
What If something happens in surgery.
I could go on and on.

More doctors visits.
I set a time for surgery.
This sets in. This is happening.
Now I know what's next.

I feel a huge weight lift off me.
I have a plan
I will be ok
I won't be sick

I start thinking about my future.
I won't be able to breast feed my baby in the future.
Next thought...But i'll be alive to be sad about that.

I'm not sick!
The thought gives me relief for the first time. Not guilt.
I'm not sick.
I can do this.
I am taking control
This won't take me.. cause I'm taking it out.

This is MY choice. I can kick this before it kicks me.

I talk to Tina Black about Bright Pink.
She tells me how it saved her life.
We talk about how I can be involved.
Finally, I find out I could help people
This is what I need.
Something to focus on.
I research the foundation and fall in love.
Bright Pink is a perfect place for me.
They help those like me
Lost
Scared.
Trying to be proactive.

I found groups on Facebook.
I've never been apart of groups before.
There are BRCA groups...?
... Lots of groups
So many women
Their stories give me chills.
Their strength is awe-inspiring.
I can't believe how much I love these groups
They help me understand that everything I'm feeling is normal.
And I can help those around me
Share my story.
These women have changed my life.

I'm not scared.
I'm humbled and ready to go
Taking this head on.

This is My story.
And I'm not letting this tiny Gene write it for me.