Mush Life

I picked Mush for a couple of reasons

A. I love the word. 
B. It fits perfectly to what I have been feeling
C. I could literally write about anything. 

So lets start with C. 

In my last post I was super nervous. This blog thing didn't seem to be in my wheelhouse. I didn't want to seem as if I wanted pity.. but as I started writing I decided it's extremely therapeutic so here goes #2

These last couple of months have been strange. 

Being in this weird realm where I'm not sure if I'm sick or not has been harder than I thought it would. 
I have decided, when shit hits the fan; you either can get really good at cleaning, live in the filth. For the last couple of months I lived in the filth a lot. 

So, what is the BRCA Gene?  
Let me actually copy and paste the definition and then I'll describe what I think it is. 

      The BRCA gene test is a blood test that uses DNA analysis to identify harmful changes                (mutations) in either one of the two breast cancer susceptibility genes — BRCA1 and  BRCA2.           I am BRCA2+ 

So to sum it up...if you have this gene... your body hates you. 

Now, I have some nuggets of wisdom for those who might be on this mush with me, The first.... DON'T GOOGLE anything. You get lost in this spiral of awful worst case scenarios where people grow things where they shouldn't and limbs are lost. And the likelihood of you ever having those issues....?? Slim to none. So, be good, and don't ever google.

Next, every one of the doctors will explain that this is a big deal, that you have a major decision to make, and that is very much the case.... what they don't tell you? You literally lose your mind...

I cannot tell you the amount of times I cried... excessively cried, for no reason. I know that as a female, my odds of crying for absolutely no reason is pretty high.. but when I'm crying because my mac n cheese is cold- I might have a problem. 

A lot of the day I swim in this weird state- I'm ok-but not ok-and those that actually have Breast Cancer are so incredibly strong-what if I actually get it-I shouldn't be feeling bad-but I still do.. on and on and on.. And what I finally had to realize leads me to my second piece of advice, This is my journey.. my Mush. I will deal with it how I please. If I cry at Taco Bell cause my order is wrong... I will not be embarrassed. I will strut out like the best of them- black mascara running down my cheeks and eat my burrito and icy cold Baja  Blast proudly. The way you deal with stress in your life isn't up to anyone but you. You are allowed to feel, to be hurt, to have anxiety. If you need a minute, take it. 

Which leads me to my third piece of advice... When on said rollercoaster, don't randomly start doing things you may need to be emotionally stable for, like, sending your spouse cute "come home soon texts"... ... ...

Let me walk you through my worst 15 minutes. 
I was home, and looked super cute (by the way) 
Sent a cute duck face pic to my love. ... in the time it took him to respond (again, 15 minutes) 
I. LOST. MY. MARBLES. 
At about minute 3 I had convinced myself that he didn't want to talk to me, that I wasn't so cute and that this was a bad omen... ... 
At minute 5..I go over to my fridge.. poor myself a drink.. and decide to give up all hope.
By minute 10 I have grabbed my fuzziest blanket.. wrapped myself up like an eskimo and started sobbing into my drink. 
By about minute 10.5 I had cried so hard I snorted. Snorted so hard, I choked. 
As I'm gasping and gagging I realize that I. am. mental. 
I stand up.. fold my blanket up. 
Treading to the kitchen and cannot believe what had transpired. 
Now at this moment I vowed to not tell anyone.. but those of you who know me know I can't keep a secret to save my life.. so, of course I tell everyone. 
At minute 14 I receive a very adorable text saying he's coming home.(insert emojis and things)
Minute 15 I realize that I need to let myself feel. I realize that I needed this. I needed to feel whatever I was going to feel. Bottling it up, may cause me to have a slight mental breakdown. No, I'm not sick. But I don't need to guilt myself into feeling any certain way. 
So I tell myself daily. 
Be you.
No matter what
This is my mush. 
And I'm ready for it. 


-C