It's been month!! I can't believe it's been that long.. Little over.. but who's counting? Longest Month Of My Life.
When you can't really move for weeks you get very deep into thought. Like scary deep, But I had huge moments of clarity, My biggest epiphany.?? I can't control what grows in my body, How can I expect to control others? That is just ridiculous.
The only thing I have any control over is my reaction.
Over the past month so much was out of my control, and as most people know, I MUST BE IN CONTROL. From my inability to move my arms above my collar bone, to my lack of clarity from the anesthesia.. all of it was too much for me to handle. I would lay awake between my medicine cocktail and be so frustrated that I had no control, most of the time in a fit of tears.
One night in particular I think I had what the cool kids call a slight panic attack--For some reason my skin decided to itch all over, and sweat, and my mind raced at an impressive pace. But I was trapped laying down, in a position I couldn't physically get out of. I could've woken Nick up, he would've walked around with me and consoled my craziness.. And then it hit me.. this is my moment. I can let this take over- or I can react differently. I started focusing on my muscles... why were they twitching? Ok Siri, lets figure this out. 2 hours later, I had no answers but my muscles were relaxed. Phew.. Lets move on, my skin feels like as if I have permanently employed bugs to crawl up and down every inch of me... Ok Siri, Round 2, why is my skin crawling? Hives, No.. allergic reaction? No.. Then I Ran into some meditation articles, Breathing really helps... wait... I'm really ok now.. I'm ok!! Mind over matter really is kind of a thing. Who knew?
My reaction is everything.
Below is more a sexual Matter.. those readers that wish not to read.. stop now :)
I knew that this surgery would impact how I felt about myself. My body was changed forever. Especially right now. I want to feel sexual and fabulous. When your boobs look like Ken Doll Pecks.. that gets tricky.
I will someday have crazy implants and feel much more confident, but what it's like to literally get part of your womanhood cut off?
It's Horrific
It's Empowering
It's Intriguing
It's Sad
It's Painful
It's Weird. As. Hell.
Mostly, it's been a whirlwind of emotion. It took me about a week to look directly in the mirror. I lost all feeling in the top part of my pectoral muscle, The skin on my chest felt like I had hot grease boiling against it.
That first look was the hardest. It really hit me...they are gone. I don't care how many times I had researched and told myself I would Lion through this.. in that moment I was broken. Nick had to practically carry me into the shower. I sobbed for about 15 minutes. The best thing about marrying your best friend? In that moment.. he knew that no amount of compliments would help I needed to laugh at something so ridiculous.. And he delivered.. He made some very inappropriate joke about something sexual that made me snort and want to punch him cause laughing hurt like hell.
The second look was after the drains came out two weeks after, in the doctors office.. still wasn't ready. Broke down again.
It's so ugly
So harsh looking
So not what I want
What did I do?
How can I figure this out?
For weeks, no matter of rationalizing with myself worked... I knew logically that this decision is what I wanted, needed to be healthy. But It didn't help.
With some insane processing and some great self examining, I can Now look at them with some pride. They are mine. They are part of my story. They are me. But this will never define who I am, It shapes me into who I want to be. Do I miss my old boobs? Of course... But I can do this, one step at a time.
Here's where the tricky part comes in--- I can't feel them--- which makes any sexual activity difficult, I got really frustrated not knowing how to make this any better. When I went to research what others had done, I became very sad. The women were harsh to their partners... Not letting them even come close... not understanding that their partners were trying to help. Trying to connect to them, their partner is very much a part of this, it's not just happening to them. Why were they not trying to get to a place of comfort? A place of pleasure? So I decided to make it fun, It's like we are first married again! Is it weird and sometimes makes things hard? ( no pun intended) Absolutely, but it's so worth it. He's my person and we are figuring this messiness together.
I can only control how I react. Not what happens to me.
Those are my Mush Thoughts today Mushers
xoxo
When you can't really move for weeks you get very deep into thought. Like scary deep, But I had huge moments of clarity, My biggest epiphany.?? I can't control what grows in my body, How can I expect to control others? That is just ridiculous.
The only thing I have any control over is my reaction.
Over the past month so much was out of my control, and as most people know, I MUST BE IN CONTROL. From my inability to move my arms above my collar bone, to my lack of clarity from the anesthesia.. all of it was too much for me to handle. I would lay awake between my medicine cocktail and be so frustrated that I had no control, most of the time in a fit of tears.
One night in particular I think I had what the cool kids call a slight panic attack--For some reason my skin decided to itch all over, and sweat, and my mind raced at an impressive pace. But I was trapped laying down, in a position I couldn't physically get out of. I could've woken Nick up, he would've walked around with me and consoled my craziness.. And then it hit me.. this is my moment. I can let this take over- or I can react differently. I started focusing on my muscles... why were they twitching? Ok Siri, lets figure this out. 2 hours later, I had no answers but my muscles were relaxed. Phew.. Lets move on, my skin feels like as if I have permanently employed bugs to crawl up and down every inch of me... Ok Siri, Round 2, why is my skin crawling? Hives, No.. allergic reaction? No.. Then I Ran into some meditation articles, Breathing really helps... wait... I'm really ok now.. I'm ok!! Mind over matter really is kind of a thing. Who knew?
My reaction is everything.
Below is more a sexual Matter.. those readers that wish not to read.. stop now :)
I knew that this surgery would impact how I felt about myself. My body was changed forever. Especially right now. I want to feel sexual and fabulous. When your boobs look like Ken Doll Pecks.. that gets tricky.
I will someday have crazy implants and feel much more confident, but what it's like to literally get part of your womanhood cut off?
It's Horrific
It's Empowering
It's Intriguing
It's Sad
It's Painful
It's Weird. As. Hell.
Mostly, it's been a whirlwind of emotion. It took me about a week to look directly in the mirror. I lost all feeling in the top part of my pectoral muscle, The skin on my chest felt like I had hot grease boiling against it.
That first look was the hardest. It really hit me...they are gone. I don't care how many times I had researched and told myself I would Lion through this.. in that moment I was broken. Nick had to practically carry me into the shower. I sobbed for about 15 minutes. The best thing about marrying your best friend? In that moment.. he knew that no amount of compliments would help I needed to laugh at something so ridiculous.. And he delivered.. He made some very inappropriate joke about something sexual that made me snort and want to punch him cause laughing hurt like hell.
The second look was after the drains came out two weeks after, in the doctors office.. still wasn't ready. Broke down again.
It's so ugly
So harsh looking
So not what I want
What did I do?
How can I figure this out?
For weeks, no matter of rationalizing with myself worked... I knew logically that this decision is what I wanted, needed to be healthy. But It didn't help.
With some insane processing and some great self examining, I can Now look at them with some pride. They are mine. They are part of my story. They are me. But this will never define who I am, It shapes me into who I want to be. Do I miss my old boobs? Of course... But I can do this, one step at a time.
Here's where the tricky part comes in--- I can't feel them--- which makes any sexual activity difficult, I got really frustrated not knowing how to make this any better. When I went to research what others had done, I became very sad. The women were harsh to their partners... Not letting them even come close... not understanding that their partners were trying to help. Trying to connect to them, their partner is very much a part of this, it's not just happening to them. Why were they not trying to get to a place of comfort? A place of pleasure? So I decided to make it fun, It's like we are first married again! Is it weird and sometimes makes things hard? ( no pun intended) Absolutely, but it's so worth it. He's my person and we are figuring this messiness together.
I can only control how I react. Not what happens to me.
Those are my Mush Thoughts today Mushers
xoxo
Wrote by Unknown
