It's been month!! I can't believe it's been that long.. Little over.. but who's counting? Longest Month Of My Life.  

When you can't really move for weeks you get very deep into thought. Like scary deep, But I had huge moments of clarity, My biggest epiphany.?? I can't control what grows in my body, How can I expect to control others? That is just ridiculous. 

The only thing I have any control over is my reaction. 

Over the past month so much was out of my control, and as most people know, I MUST BE IN CONTROL. From my inability to move my arms above my collar bone, to my lack of clarity from the anesthesia.. all of it was too much for me to handle. I would lay awake between my medicine cocktail and be so frustrated that I had no control, most of the time in a fit of tears. 

One night in particular I think I had what the cool kids call a slight panic attack--For some reason my skin decided to itch all over, and sweat, and my mind raced at an impressive pace. But I was trapped laying down, in a position I couldn't physically get out of. I could've woken Nick up, he would've walked around with me and consoled my craziness.. And then it hit me.. this is my moment. I can let this take over- or I can react differently. I started focusing on my muscles... why were they twitching? Ok Siri, lets figure this out. 2 hours later, I had no answers but my muscles were relaxed. Phew.. Lets move on, my skin feels like as if I have permanently employed bugs to crawl up and down every inch of me... Ok Siri, Round 2, why is my skin crawling? Hives, No.. allergic reaction? No.. Then I Ran into some meditation articles, Breathing really helps... wait... I'm really ok now.. I'm ok!! Mind over matter really is kind of a thing. Who knew? 

My reaction is everything. 

Below is more a sexual Matter.. those readers that wish not to read.. stop now :) 

I knew that this surgery would impact how I felt about myself. My body was changed forever. Especially right now. I want to feel sexual and fabulous. When your boobs look like Ken Doll Pecks.. that gets tricky. 
I will someday have crazy implants and feel much more confident, but what it's like to literally get part of your womanhood cut off?

It's Horrific 
It's Empowering 
It's Intriguing
It's Sad 
It's Painful 
It's Weird. As. Hell.

Mostly, it's been a whirlwind of emotion. It took me about a week to look directly in the mirror. I lost all feeling in the top part of my pectoral muscle, The skin on my chest felt like I had hot grease boiling against it. 

That first look was the hardest. It really hit me...they are gone. I don't care how many times I had researched and told myself I would Lion through this.. in that moment I was broken. Nick had to practically carry me into the shower. I sobbed for about 15 minutes. The best thing about marrying your best friend? In that moment.. he knew that no amount of compliments would help I needed to  laugh at something so ridiculous.. And he delivered.. He made some very inappropriate joke about something sexual that made me snort and want to punch him cause laughing hurt like hell. 

The second look was after the drains came out two weeks after, in the doctors office.. still wasn't ready. Broke down again. 

It's so ugly
So harsh looking 
So not what I want 
What did I do? 
How can I figure this out?

For weeks, no matter of rationalizing with myself worked... I knew logically that this decision is what I wanted, needed to be healthy. But It didn't help. 

With some insane processing and some great self examining, I can Now look at them with some pride. They are mine. They are part of my story. They are me. But this will never define who I am, It shapes me into who I want to be. Do I miss my old boobs? Of course... But I can do this, one step at a time.

Here's where the tricky part comes in--- I can't feel them--- which makes any sexual activity difficult, I got really frustrated not knowing how to make this any better. When I went to research what others had done, I became very sad. The women were harsh to their partners... Not letting them even come close... not understanding that their partners were trying to help. Trying to connect to them, their partner is very much a part of this, it's not just happening to them. Why were they not trying to get to a place of comfort? A place of pleasure? So I decided to make it fun, It's like we are first married again! Is it weird and sometimes makes things hard? ( no pun intended) Absolutely, but it's so worth it. He's my person and we are figuring this messiness together. 

I can only control how I react. Not what happens to me. 

Those are my Mush Thoughts today Mushers

xoxo 

Today was great.
Walked around a lot, which is huge, I move at about the pace of a baby sloth though. 

Finally getting back to work on some training material, which is needed- my brain is ready to turn into mush. (wink wink) 

My drains are so very annoying but it's really not as bad as I thought.- ok, I didn't even think about them at all.. they are the pretty bad and I reserve the right to complain about them as much as a physically want. Which is about every 15 minutes- or when I move, whichever is quicker. 

Studied for my Bright Pink workshops. I'm so excited about this group. Being an ambassador really has changed my life completely, it has helped me deal with what could have been an extremely horrible wreck emotionally. I'm so grateful, and that word doesn't even cover everything I feel. With that, I wanted to add a bunch of links about BRCA, breast and ovarian cancer prevention, and self awareness in general, things that helped me while going through this. 

My outlook on life is so different. That sounds so cliché but that's the only way I can describe it. Things are such a big deal. I treasure moments a lot more. My only worry is that as life goes on I'll start taking things for granted again. Why does that always happen? I want to treasure my husband and the life we have all the time, but I get caught up in the hubbub quite frequently. 

I want to be able to at the end of my life not look at Nick and be like Phew we made it. I want to look back and think, damn, that was good. So daily- I have vowed to more intentionally, authentically live. So when that day comes, I'm good. We're good. Nothing is left behind. 

Love you all. That's about it for today. 
xx


Here's the links that I've been talking about. 


First Check these out

https://www.brightpink.org

Check out your risk

http://www.assessyourrisk.org/

Bad Luck Or Bad Genes? Dealing With BRCA And 'A Cancer In The Family'

http://www.npr.org/

BRCA Gene Mutations

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/breast/young_women

Hey Everyone!

I cannot tell express how lucky I feel to have you all in my life. This has been insane, and the love I have received has been absolutely stunning.

Also, I'm on A LOT of pain pills- so the grammar and the confusing sentences are because of that- I don't want to edit it out, cause this is my Mush

Lets go back a few days.

I was a little more then rough
Trying to leave work was hard, I love it there so much and I keep feeling like I'm letting them down.
But they are in amazing hands, and they are so sweet to me.

I've been in a mental fog
Simple things were beginning to be difficult for me. I couldn't concentrate on anything specific, all I wanted to do was sleep. But I kept going, on auto pilot and the people around me just let me do my thing. This is why I love my life. Those around me understood that I needed that- they let me be. Crazy and all.

Let me talk about my husband for a minute.
If anyone knows Nick, he's much quieter than me (but who isn't, let be real) He's MUCH more logical, and he's a lot more stable- all with that being said, He loves deeper then anyone I know. He loves me for me. My crazy, irrational, workaholic -ness and all, and he loves every bit of it.

He let me cry, a lot. He took me on drives when I needed to clear my head, he let me go on and on about how scared I am. Never did he make me feel like I was going crazy, he's my person and he gets me. Always. and...? He makes me laugh.. a lot. At VERY inappropriate times, which of course, I love.

Now let me talk about my doctor- My breast surgeon is literally my favorite. She's confident, but not cocky, she's so sweet yet doesn't take nonsense. When I was going in for surgery I was shaking and scared- she put her head against mine and just let me cry, let me tell her how scared I was and that she's got me. She won't let anything happen, and I drifted off to sleep.
Not many surgeons take such care. She is beyond exceptional. She's absolutely awe-inspiring.

Waking up from surgery was not my favorite- it was as if i had broken my rips and ripped my muscles all in half. The drains make it so it's as if I'm breathing with giant rock hoses tangled between my ribs. It was late-ish when I woke up and so I didn't have much time with my recovery team, which I'm sad about because the nursing staff was... less than optimal, but we will get there.

The next morning My doctor came in again just to see how I was, I know that's standard, but her visits don't seem normal- she sees how I am. Not just how I'm feeling. She's just fantastic. I cannot say enough about her.

By this point I have already had stern talking to to several nurses- I'm not good in the patience department.- and was getting pretty upset with the care I was receiving- long story short when my nurse shook my hand roughly at the end of my stay I was contemplating why she was in this field at all because she didn't understand bedside manner in the slightest.  Lets list off the things I didn't like
1. I had to ask them to check my drains (6 hours later) - which was the entire reason I was there in the first place.
2. They didn't give me any of the meds they were supposed to 0/4 I was prescribed.
3. They tried to lift my arms to get me out of bed ( i have zero arm movement - especially then)
4. When getting discharged they were "printing" the papers for 5 hours- my guess is they had a calligrapher being dictated to by my nurse to produce the 7 page discharge document.

Needless to say I'm much happier home, eating bon bond and not being bothered.

Visitors are always welcome and encouraged. I love you all and will be posting soon. But my meds are kicking in and I'm falling asleep.
xoxo

Court

I picked Mush for a couple of reasons

A. I love the word. 
B. It fits perfectly to what I have been feeling
C. I could literally write about anything. 

So lets start with C. 

In my last post I was super nervous. This blog thing didn't seem to be in my wheelhouse. I didn't want to seem as if I wanted pity.. but as I started writing I decided it's extremely therapeutic so here goes #2

These last couple of months have been strange. 

Being in this weird realm where I'm not sure if I'm sick or not has been harder than I thought it would. 
I have decided, when shit hits the fan; you either can get really good at cleaning, live in the filth. For the last couple of months I lived in the filth a lot. 

So, what is the BRCA Gene?  
Let me actually copy and paste the definition and then I'll describe what I think it is. 

      The BRCA gene test is a blood test that uses DNA analysis to identify harmful changes                (mutations) in either one of the two breast cancer susceptibility genes — BRCA1 and  BRCA2.           I am BRCA2+ 

So to sum it up...if you have this gene... your body hates you. 

Now, I have some nuggets of wisdom for those who might be on this mush with me, The first.... DON'T GOOGLE anything. You get lost in this spiral of awful worst case scenarios where people grow things where they shouldn't and limbs are lost. And the likelihood of you ever having those issues....?? Slim to none. So, be good, and don't ever google.

Next, every one of the doctors will explain that this is a big deal, that you have a major decision to make, and that is very much the case.... what they don't tell you? You literally lose your mind...

I cannot tell you the amount of times I cried... excessively cried, for no reason. I know that as a female, my odds of crying for absolutely no reason is pretty high.. but when I'm crying because my mac n cheese is cold- I might have a problem. 

A lot of the day I swim in this weird state- I'm ok-but not ok-and those that actually have Breast Cancer are so incredibly strong-what if I actually get it-I shouldn't be feeling bad-but I still do.. on and on and on.. And what I finally had to realize leads me to my second piece of advice, This is my journey.. my Mush. I will deal with it how I please. If I cry at Taco Bell cause my order is wrong... I will not be embarrassed. I will strut out like the best of them- black mascara running down my cheeks and eat my burrito and icy cold Baja  Blast proudly. The way you deal with stress in your life isn't up to anyone but you. You are allowed to feel, to be hurt, to have anxiety. If you need a minute, take it. 

Which leads me to my third piece of advice... When on said rollercoaster, don't randomly start doing things you may need to be emotionally stable for, like, sending your spouse cute "come home soon texts"... ... ...

Let me walk you through my worst 15 minutes. 
I was home, and looked super cute (by the way) 
Sent a cute duck face pic to my love. ... in the time it took him to respond (again, 15 minutes) 
I. LOST. MY. MARBLES. 
At about minute 3 I had convinced myself that he didn't want to talk to me, that I wasn't so cute and that this was a bad omen... ... 
At minute 5..I go over to my fridge.. poor myself a drink.. and decide to give up all hope.
By minute 10 I have grabbed my fuzziest blanket.. wrapped myself up like an eskimo and started sobbing into my drink. 
By about minute 10.5 I had cried so hard I snorted. Snorted so hard, I choked. 
As I'm gasping and gagging I realize that I. am. mental. 
I stand up.. fold my blanket up. 
Treading to the kitchen and cannot believe what had transpired. 
Now at this moment I vowed to not tell anyone.. but those of you who know me know I can't keep a secret to save my life.. so, of course I tell everyone. 
At minute 14 I receive a very adorable text saying he's coming home.(insert emojis and things)
Minute 15 I realize that I need to let myself feel. I realize that I needed this. I needed to feel whatever I was going to feel. Bottling it up, may cause me to have a slight mental breakdown. No, I'm not sick. But I don't need to guilt myself into feeling any certain way. 
So I tell myself daily. 
Be you.
No matter what
This is my mush. 
And I'm ready for it. 


-C

Today is one of those days.
I'm nervous
My stomach is on fire
Nothing I do is making me feel better
.....

But I'm not sick, so I should be happy.
I should be, but I'm still terrified.

What is my biggest fear today?
What if they find something during surgery.

What if it has spread since my last scan?
What happens if I made the wrong choice?

What am I not fearful of today?

I have done all the research I can bare to do.
I have looked up all possible scenarios.
I have the best support group you could physically have.

So why am I fearful?

My body is changed forever.
My life has changed forever.

And it's all because of one little gene.

Did you know that one little gene can mean that cancer is more likely than not?
Did you know that that little gene makes it impossible to fight cancer if it happens?
That little gene changed my life.

Three Months ago my scariest thought was not hitting a deadline.
Now I'm constantly worried that my body is failing to beat cancer.

So I went in and saw what felt like 25 doctors.
I got way too much info
85% chance of breast cancer
45% ovarian cancer
1000 other cancers are possible
3000 options to choose from.
Scans, Biopsy, Surgery, Watching?
I'm 27, isn't this what old people get?

There's no way my tests are right.
More research, more doctors. More tests.
I am so scared.
What do i do?

Stress levels are climbing.
I can't talk about it with out crying.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
It comes up in every conversation with people that know.
I hate that.
I don't want them swimming in this with me.
I try to stop talking about it.
That doesn't work

It's taking a toll on everything I'm doing- but it's all I can do to not just break down.
Sleep is a luxury when it's not filled with dreams of crazy boobs and talking cancer cells.

Finally found doctors that I love. I can ask my dozens of questions.
Told my boss at work.
Cried like a baby.
I hate crying.
It makes me feel like I'm telling people I can't handle this.
He makes me so comfortable.
Tells me anything I need, He's here for me.

My work..
These people are  beyond amazing.
They help me with everything.
So much support.
Time off when I need.
Flexible with everything.
Work is what is holding me together.
They Prayed for me.
I cry at my desk,
so grateful that I'm here.

I'm so scared.
But I'm not sick.
I hate that I can't get a grip.

Nick holds me when I cry.
He doesn't have to ask me why I'm crying.
He knows I just need someone
Someone to let me fall apart

I try to tell him i'm ok.
He knows I'm not.
We go for drives cause he knows I need the fresh air.
This is strangling the life out of me.

But why am I scared?
I'm not sick.

The what ifs are scaring me.
What if I don't catch it in time.
What if it shows up somewhere else.
What if my family has it?
What if my vanity takes over and I hate the after results?
What If something happens in surgery.
I could go on and on.

More doctors visits.
I set a time for surgery.
This sets in. This is happening.
Now I know what's next.

I feel a huge weight lift off me.
I have a plan
I will be ok
I won't be sick

I start thinking about my future.
I won't be able to breast feed my baby in the future.
Next thought...But i'll be alive to be sad about that.

I'm not sick!
The thought gives me relief for the first time. Not guilt.
I'm not sick.
I can do this.
I am taking control
This won't take me.. cause I'm taking it out.

This is MY choice. I can kick this before it kicks me.

I talk to Tina Black about Bright Pink.
She tells me how it saved her life.
We talk about how I can be involved.
Finally, I find out I could help people
This is what I need.
Something to focus on.
I research the foundation and fall in love.
Bright Pink is a perfect place for me.
They help those like me
Lost
Scared.
Trying to be proactive.

I found groups on Facebook.
I've never been apart of groups before.
There are BRCA groups...?
... Lots of groups
So many women
Their stories give me chills.
Their strength is awe-inspiring.
I can't believe how much I love these groups
They help me understand that everything I'm feeling is normal.
And I can help those around me
Share my story.
These women have changed my life.

I'm not scared.
I'm humbled and ready to go
Taking this head on.

This is My story.
And I'm not letting this tiny Gene write it for me.